Tony The Tiger – Decline of Western CivilizationBy
Tony The Tiger – Decline of Western Civilization
Tony The Tiger – The Decline Of Western Civilization
Simply put, Tony the Tiger is the sole cause for the decline of Western Civilization. And you thought it was Megadeth.
Let’s face it, thanks to TV, each and every one of you grew up thinking that anything that went wrong, anything you DID wrong, and your each and every failure as a human being, was something which could be easily remedied by confessing your sins to a cartoon-tiger wearing a red bandana, and eating sugar-coated corn-flakes cereal. This is not a God-Fearing nation. This is a Tony fearing nation…
“Golly gee! I struck out again! Forgive me Tony, I have sinned!”
“That’s okay slugger! Just say three Hail-Tonys and eat a big ass bowl of Kelloggs Frosted Flakes!”
“Wow! I hit a home run! Thank you Father-Tony!”
“Har, har, har theyyyyyyy’re GREAT!”
What’s even worse, is they show strawberries in the bowl of cereal on the front of that Frosted Flakes box. And everyone knows damn well by now, they’re NOT in there. You don’t see Tigger pulling this sh*t.
Dante Missed A Few
Everyone already knows that ‘Standing In Line At The Help Desk In Wal-Mart’ is actually one of Dante’s Lost Circles of Hell. But what they don’t know is where it falls in line with the other lost circles.
I believe it’s the one right after the Level of Hell where everyone makes the “We’re Freezing Over!” joke, but immediately precedes the really annoying level where yeah, you’re starring in a movie… but everyone else in it is a Muppet but you.
So now you know.
How Do You Scratch A DVD?
How is it that almost every DVD I’ve borrowed from the local ‘Blockheads’ has been scratched in some way? How does this occur? How does one actually scratch a DVD?
Many technological experts have put in many hours to foresee that utilizing the DVD system, really, requires extremely little effort.
You take it out of an envelope, and you… put it in.
This is not exactly a grueling exercise with unlimited opportunity for danger. In what world is this a potentially harmful activity? Where exactly is the variable for chaos in this equation? There is no margin for error in this scenario. What am I not foreseeing?
It’s not like we’re using them to scrape frost off our windshields in late Autumn, or utilizing them in the microwave to help heat up our little Red Baron Stuffed Pizza Slices when we accidentally throw out the little metallic-cardboard triangles, and even if we were, I sincerely doubt that even basil is this abrasive.
Old Navy Or A Space Mission?
Some things are just always going to be the same. Your Mom is always going to be too nosey, Fox-Sports is always going to pretend that they can’t afford to bring you today’s starting lineup unless Pizza Hut sponsors it, and you’re never going to get any real mail on Tuesdays aside of the inevitable furniture-store-ads that habitually include some hot-mom ‘relaxing’ on a sofa-recliner in taupe, low heeled pumps.
But some things just need to change. Like Old Navy. Seriously.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great store. High quality clothing, low price, fashionable. It’s hip, it’s now, we get it. But what is with the headsets? Since the enthralling-appeal of a good Janet Jackson video wore off… oh… say a decade or so ago, what exactly is it that Old Navy is trying to prove with these things? Do they really need to stay this en-communicado to sell you a pair of cargo-shorts? Does it really require the collective consciousness of a space shuttle mission just to get you into a rugby shirt that doesn’t make you look fat, and compliments your skin tone?
“Misty! I spot a pigeon hawking the thermal socks over by the big rusty truck! Let’s move it people! Stat!”
“Roger that Austin! Pigeon spotted. I’m moving in on the target from the flannel-pajama position now. Copy?”
Honestly. This is way too much effort to buy a T-Shirt.
The Nose Ring
Don’t get it. Don’t understand it. Never will. Earrings, I get. Ears are ugly, they need decoration. It works. The nose? The stud isn’t so bad, as long as it doesn’t look like a Cindy Crawford mole most people go to great lengths to cover up.
But the hoop? Aside of utilizing it at the Dry Cleaners for a nice temporary place to hang your heavily starched oxfords while you write them a check, I don’t understand the concept. A lot of people dedicate a lot of energy to covert automobile braking & accelorating, to give themselves the inconspicuous privacy needed to pull things OUT of their nose. Why someone would buck this trend to “clean house” and put something IN it escapes me. Whatever. I’m off to put purposeful stains on my clean laundry…
This… I’ve never understood.
To be orthodox, means that you are doing the same thing as everyone else. You never hear Dick Vitale announcing a basketball game, go “I love this kid. He reminds me of everyone else in the league! He’s so orthodox!”
So what is with the Orthodox Church? If you are doing the same thing as everyone else, why do you have to announce it? Seems to me, it should only be worthy of mention, if you’re doing things differently, so people can be forewarned. “We’re an UNorthodox church. Yeah, we kneel… but we don’t pray. We trade soup recipes.”
Seems simple to me, because that’s how it is in every other aspect of life. You don’t have Orthodox-Cops. There are no Orthodox-Firemen.
“Hey Bob, nice to meet ya. What do you do?”
“Why, I’m an Orthodox-Cowboy. I rustle cattle, I wear a lot of denim, and I sit at campfires and eat beans out of can… just like every other cowboy.”
“Sounds good! Good luck with that!”